Friday, 20 April 2012

"Maybe it was your fault?" A response to Mark Goodwin's break up with O.S.

George Ttoouli, relationship counsellor extraordinaire, responds to Mark Goodwin's recent public break up...

Dear Mark,

One thing you have to appreciate, first of all, is that Ordrey was your childhood sweetheart. Relationships rooted in immature, irrational and distant emotions, often depend greatly upon your ability to sustain a fading memory and to keep alive in the present those emotions, without letting them lapse into nostalgia.

Nostalgia, as famous English-Chinese social critic, Wei Monand il-Iams, wrote in her book, Peasants are Great (농민이 기가막히, Red Reform People Press, Somerset: 1972) is often used as a coping mechanism when an individual suffers a change of current situation that is hard to take. This experience can rewrite those childhood memories, making those older crags seem so much sharper, the ink better defined, and can suck the life out of those dot matrix crags in front of you, like you've accidentally spooned dust into your travel thermos, instead of sugar.

Think hard, Mark. Has anything happened recently between you and Ordrey to make those dot-matrixed crags seem a little bit duller than they really are? Slip and bang your head up on the Beacons, maybe?

Or did you encounter some passing Dutch people, asking directions and when Ordrey stepped forward to help, maybe she flicked her corners a a few too many times in the breeze, let them play along her contours just a little bit too long? Jealousy, caused by change, is one of the biggest problems a modern couple can face, you know. Ordrey's looking forwards, Mark, to the future; think about that image you've recalled, of the mountain paths, shrouded in mist and darkness. Change is everywhere, always happening. It's only natural that Ordrey might change too.

Think about it: dot matrix printers were normal back then, everyone was using them! She stood out from the crowd, went for a high quality traditional print job. Nowadays, dot matrix makes you unique, original - of course she'd use one! Ordrey's managed to change her spots, and you should be proud of that. Maybe it's you that needs to change, just a little, to meet her halfway on that windy peak called compromise (SK148511 / E:414527 N:351800).

What about a little bit of lamination, instead of those scrunchy old slide-in file pockets you keep her in during the treks? Treat yourselves! It's never to late to start making new memories, new shared experiences that you can both look back at fondly.

Best of luck,


P.S. If it doesn't work out for you after all, try getting it out of your system here.

1 comment:

The Editors said...

Mark Goodwin replies (our commenting security system didn't let him through, but I assured them that this is not a breach of Ordrey's restraining order):


George - you are not having an affair with Ordrey, are you? And as for Stan, well he once carried Ordrey across the only ford known along the river Styx, so your mentioning him is rather hurtful. I'm simply not ready to let go of the ground I'm standing on. I know you are trying to help. Ordrey promised she'd stand fast, but I now find myself between a rock and a faint place. Are you ... are you having an affair with her/him?


Dear Mark,

This jealousy of yours is most unbecoming. I assure you, the person in those photographs was most definitely not me, and any rumours, or even eyewitness accounts of our - sorry, a - two-week liaison in the Cotswolds, is just that - rumour and eyewitness accounts.

You have to focus on your own relationship with the absence, those faint lines are only going to get fainter with time, so ask yourself: how are you going to deal with this?

I do think you need to take matters safely and securely into your own hands. Perhaps I can recommend... a felt tip pen?